My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
