Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We talked him into tasing himself.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
