Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
