I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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