I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
