All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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