I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
