I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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