I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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