i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
