Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
