My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
