Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
