Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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