she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
