she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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