I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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