Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Can I color on your dick again?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
