if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
