Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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