Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
