I CAN MOONWALK!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
