I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
