turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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