Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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