I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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