I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
