you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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