she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
