So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
