why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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