i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
