I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
