When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
