the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
