She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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