Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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