Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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