that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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