She is in my trunk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
