shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
