He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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