It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
