You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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