people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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