I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
