either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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