i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
