Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
