i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
