smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
